) The comments are a lot of wide-eyed emojis and lols. Do condoms work underwater? Guess we’ll find out soon enough. The caption reads Goody two shoes Lara Jean having full-on sex with Kavinsky in the hot tub. “I’ve seen worse on regular TV, not even HBO.” Me and Peter, in the hot tub on the ski trip. “You broke up,” he repeats, his face blank.” “You haven’t said what happened with you and Kavinsky that night after I left.” Then he picks it back up and puts a coaster under it. John’s not saying anything he’s just staring at me. Did you say you went there for me? To see how I turned out?” “The only reason I joined was so I could work on my public speaking. I remembered how much you liked it in middle school.” “There’s no way you could have known I’d be at Belleview,” I point out. “Expert? How am I an expert? If I was really any good, I’d still be in the game.” “Lara Jean, I thought you were a goody-goody.” I try to cover the computer screen with my hand, but she pushes it out of the way, and then she lets out a scream too. Margot comes racing in, wearing one of those Korean beauty masks on her face with slits for eyes, nose, and mouth. The back of my neck goes icy cold, and I am hit with a gust of awareness, of humiliating recognition. Then the girl touches the boy’s cheek, and there is something about the movement, the way she touches him like she is reading braille. “It’s hard to say because of her nightgown.” But maybe? “You shouldn’t be looking at this,” I say. Both of our heads are tilted, trying to suss out what it is we’re looking at. I’m so entranced I don’t notice at first that Kitty is watching with me. The boy runs his hands down her spine like she is a cello and he is playing her. Her hair is long, and the ends dip into the hot tub like calligraphy brushes in ink. She’s wearing a red nightgown, and it billows in the water like a full sail. The girl is sitting in the boy’s lap, her body draped over his, legs hooked around his waist, arms around his neck. This one’s a little grainy, like it was zoomed in from far away. Anonybitch is particularly famous for her hot tub videos. “At the top of Anonybitch’s feed, there is a video of a boy and a girl making out in a hot tub. Those things Josh said about you, they weren’t true. And then, when you look at me the way you do, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. My heart beats so fast when I know I’m going to see you again. I like you so much I don’t know what to do with it. It fills up inside me, all the way to the brim, and I feel like I could overflow. Sometimes I like you so much I can’t stand it. You looked cute in your sweater, by the way. I still can’t believe you came, and that you brought those fruitcake cookies. I got scared and I took it out on you and for that I’m truly sorry.Īnd at the recital party, I’m sorry I didn’t defend you to Josh. Not just what people were saying about it, and me, but that it happened at all. I know it was just a day in the life of Peter for you, but for me it meant a lot more, and that’s what scared me. What happened between us in the hot tub scared me. So I’m just going to say anything to you right now, while I’m still feeling brave. I mean I’m sure we’ll say hi in chem class, or in the hallways, but will it ever be like it was? That’s what makes me sad. Maybe because I don’t know if this is just it, if you and I will ever talk again. It’s only been five days but I miss you like it’s been five years. I guess it isn’t now, either.” John looks over at me, his gaze steady. I wish…I wish we got to go to that eighth grade formal.”Īnd then John Ambrose McClaren says one last thing, a thing that makes my heart swell. He sighs a defeated kind of sigh that hurts my heart. He got here first and he…he just won’t leave.” Of all the boys, you’re the one I would pick.” “You’re so perfect in my memory, and you’re perfect now. “I’m halfway there already.” His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. “I could fall in love with you so easily,” I whisper. We drive in silence for a few minutes, and then, looking straight ahead, John says, “Did I even have a shot?” The way my heart flips over every time I see his car pull up in front of my house. Peter’s boyish confidence, his sunny outlook on life, the way he is so kind to Kitty. There are so many things to love about them both. The way his eyes looked even bluer when he laughed. “What would I regret losing more? The reality of Peter or the dream of John? Who can’t I live without?
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